My Favourite Dirty Jokes

Anyone who knows me fairly well will have realised by now that I have a very naughty sense of humour, and what makes me laugh the most are double entendres and dirty jokes, (much to my Mother’s horror).

I have compiled this list of many of my very favourite dirty jokes, and ones that could easily be used on stage by comedians, or as a part of after dinner, or wedding reception speeches etc.

I hope these make you laugh too, and if you like them post a comment, as I have a load more I can use to write further similar articles

Bite Your Breasts

A bloke walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says, “Hey, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?”

She says, “Are you mad?”

He says, “OK, would you let me bite your breasts for £1000?”

She says, “I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”

He says, “OK, would you let me bite your breasts just once for £10,000?”

She thinks about it and says, “OK, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”

So they go to into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them – but not biting them.

The woman eventually gets annoyed and says “Well? Are you going to bite them or not?”

“Nah,” he says. “Costs too much.”

Cheap Pub

A man in a pub asks for a pint.

The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be a penny.”

“A penny?” exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, “Could I have steak and chips?”

“Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be fourpence.”

“Four pence?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the bloke who owns this place?”

The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”

The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”

Dark Forest

A couple starts having sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After about 15 minutes, the man gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a torch.”

The woman says, “Me too – you’ve been eating grass for the last ten minutes.”

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Dead Wife

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

 

 

Duck and Pig

A man comes home one night from the pub with a duck under his arm. He says, “This is the pig I’ve been shagging”.

His wife says, “That’s a duck.”

He says, “I was talking to the duck.”

 

Heart Surgeon’s Funeral

A heart surgeon dies and is given an elaborate funeral.

An enormous heart covered in flowers stands behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opens, and the casket rolls inside.

The heart then closes, sealing the surgeon inside the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners bursts into laughter.

Everyone stares at him.

He says, “I’m sorry; I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a gynaecologist.”

That’s when the rectal surgeon fainted.

 

 

Penguin’s Ice Cream

A penguin’s driving when all of a sudden his car breaks down.

He waddles into a garage and asks the mechanic to look at his car.

The mechanic says, “Leave the car with us and come back in an hour.”

The penguin waddles off. On his way he sees an ice-cream van and buys an ice-cream. A messy eater, he gets the ice-cream all over his face and flippers.

On his return to the garage, the penguin says to the mechanic, “What seems to be the problem?”

The mechanic says, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

The penguin says, “No, it’s only ice-cream.”

 

Realistic Vibrator

They’ve invented the most realistic vibrator yet.

Just before she orgasms, the vibrator comes, goes limp, farts and switches itself off.

 

 

Sperm Hold -Up

A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank holding a shotgun.

“Open the safe!” he yells at the woman behind the counter.

“But we’re not a real bank,” she says. “This is a sperm bank: we don’t hold money.”

He says, “Don’t argue – just open the safe or I’ll blow your head off.”

She obliges and opens the safe door.

He says, “Take one of the bottles and drink it.”

She says, “But it’s full of sperm.”

He says, “Don’t argue; just drink it.”

She takes off the cap and gulps it down.

He says, “Take out another bottle and drink it too.”

The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly the bloke pulls of his mask and, to the woman’s amazement, it’s her Husband.

He says, “See? Not that bloody difficult, is it?”

 

Naked Men

What do you call 12 naked men sitting on each other’s shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

 

 

Sick Brothel

A bloke goes into a Brothel with a tenner.

“Sorry mate,” says the pimp, “the only thing you can have for a tenner is a goat.”

The bloke shrugs, pays his money and shags the goat.

The next week he returns to the brothel – but this time he only has a fiver.

“Sorry,” says the pimp, “but all you can get for a fiver is a peep show.”

So he goes into the peep show and there’s a load of blokes spying on a guy wa**king off a gorilla.

“Jesus,” says the first bloke. “I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

“You should have been here last week,” says the bloke next to him, “There was a guy in there shagging a goat.”

 

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Article by mistyhorizon2003

I live in the Channel Island of Guernsey with my Husband Richard and our two cats Ronnie and Squish. I love to grow vegetables, play pool, write and sing. Formerly I worked as an assistant in a veterinary surgery locally, but for about 3 years now I have been a housewife.
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